Guilt and confessions.

I didn't mention this yesterday because I wanted to forget it, but I
just can't let it go. I feel so terrible about it, I can't stand that I
made her think those things, and made her so upset after we had such a
surreal date. I know I'm too jealous, but hey, I can't help it. I don't
do it because I'm crazy or controlling, I have my reasons. I'll just
admit it now for the world to see. I don't like you putting pictures of
guys or reblogging them because it makes me feel a bit insecure, it
makes me think about you finding someone like them and being interested
in them. When I see these things, it makes think I may not be good
enough and think that maybe you'd be better off with someone else, like
them. I hate thinking about you with another guy, with someone who's
better than me. Now you may say I don't trust you, and things like that,
but love, I do, I wouldn't have given you my heart if I didn't, would I?
Would I open myself up like I do if I thought you'd break my heart? It's
jus that after I turned about twelve or thirteen, things haven't gone my
way at all. Things have just piled up leaving a mountain of depression
and anger, waiting to crumble down and bash against the ground. She
knows my habits, everyone does. I'm insane, I lash out, I hit things,
walls, people, anything, including myself. I just can't help it, I've
never been able to. Since I've been with her, since that day I laid my
lips against hers, I've actually been happy, cheery if you will. I've
been in such a state of bliss, it's just unreal. Because of this, and my
negative past, something so sweet just seems too good to be true. With
my luck, I think this is to good to be true, I really do. I can't help
but wonder when I'll be hurt again, like I always am. I can't believe
that I got her, I feel blessed, like I've never been before, I can't
lose it...
And lastly... the past. The only reason I ask so much, is because I just
can't help but be jealous that you've loved before me, that you've
kissed before me, and other things with people who treated you like
crap. Babe, you're my love, and I feel for you like I've never felt
before, I never even thought I was capable of feeling this way before. I
only ask to find out things that I could do to heal your past wounds, to
mend your emotional injuries from before. I want to know the dates so I
could make the days you spent with them, even more memorable so you'll
no longer remember that day as the day you were with them, but the day
that I made you smile uncontrolably, the day that you and I spent the
day loving each other. I just wish I could go back in time and taken you
away from the assholes who hurt and used you. Who abused your love and
feelings. I was to be your hero, the one to sweep you off your feet, and
make you forget everything besides the loving moments we share, shared,
and have to share in the future.
Sharon, I'm know I'm not good with words, but just know, I love you, and
I trust you. I'm trying to change those habits, I really am, but it'll
take time. I just hope you'll stay with me until the day I change. <3
--mhshsho