Boredom and The Effects.

Being bored is not the best feeling in the world, considering how many people say they are bored without considering how they actually are doing something and how they aren't really bored. When I'm bored, purely bored, I rant. At this time, I'm ranting. For example, when I do rant, it makes me happy. I get a lot of feelings and thoughts out and that way, I don't end up trying to find a brick wall to punch or anything. Punching brick walls hurt but it relieves my stress and helps me with a lot. Being bored helps me write random things and helps me create posts even though most of what I am ranting about makes no sense whatsoever and that probably, most people who will end up reading it aloud would run out of breath due to my run-off sentences. With true hope that nobody tries to read it out loud unless it's a certain few, I think I will continue on with my absolutely random ranting and go on with my life.
Just yesterday, Kevin asked me if it was fine if he and Natalia stay friends. Of course, I said yes since I'm not his mother and I don't intend on controlling his life to such high degrees. I still hate the bitch mainly because she was causing trouble for Kevin and I. Also, she dumped Kevin and didn't care until I took him. At that time, she ended up saying that she wanted to get back with him. Fuck you, bitch. He's mine. I don't like it that Kevin was even talking to her, let alone be her friend but I can deal. I still have to get rid of Shitfuel from trying to interfere with the two of us. He even tried to hook Kevin and Natalia back together. Dumbass cunt. There are so many ways I can kill the two of them. I think about stuff like that when I get pissed off. Of course, I never put them into action. You can tell since I don't have a criminal record of any kind and there is obviously no way I can possibly want to go and buy a gun, right? Not only that, I don't have enough manpower for it and I don't have enough courage for something like that. I'm afraid of horror movies so I don't think that I would, on any level, be able to kill someone without having it haunt me for the rest of my life, even if I served my time in jail.
I just really hate the ex's of my boyfriends because they are always a pain in my ass. I've always considered dating girls over dating guys but there aren't that many lesbians out there that suit my taste. Also, my parents would beat the lesbian out of me if they heard that I was dating a girl. I wouldn't want that to happen.
I'm just having my little moment of being in deep thought without anyone disturbing me No mother yelling at me in the background, no father trying to piss me off, no siblings nagging and whining, no asshole trying to talk to me even though I don't want to talk to them. Sometimes, I get the feeling that something bad might happen to me again. I might lose Kevin. Yesterday, I was imagining the many ways that Natalia might make a move on Kevin and I hated it. Such situations would include:
Kevin is waiting for me somewhere, Natalia pops up out of nowhere, starts talking to him, then gives him a kiss. He's shocked for a second and then goes ahead and holds her waist, kissing her back. I would come along, see what is happening, turn around, then walk away pretending nothing happened and then wait a little longer until they were done to head back over to Kevin.
I always think about stuff like this, especially if my boyfriend stills hold some form of affection for his ex. Of course he would still hold affection for her since she was someone he loved a lot. I don't like that fact and I can't really say that I will let go of these stupid doubts because I'm just like this. I get the feeling that once I start to show these feelings and become more and more worried, I'll end up distancing myself from him and then our relationship would go downhill.
I truly do not wish for that to happen considering how scared and depressed I can get sometimes. It's only been three weeks since the day that we started dating but I really do want to stay with him forever. I've loved him for two years straight now and I've hated all of his girlfriends. Each and every one of them. I always thought that if I ever got him, I would never let go. If I never got him, then I would just continue watching from the side and live the rest of my life in this sadness of seeing him get hurt and then become happy again. I'm still thinking about the many ways that Natalia would make moves on him and I get the feeling that I should stick with Kevin as much as I possibly can to make sure she doesn't. I get really overprotective and stupidly worried but I can't help it. I don't like losing things that belong to me. I'm not saying that he is my property or anything, just that he is someone I would never want to lose. I wouldn't want to hurt him and I wouldn't want him to get hurt. He means everything to me and I would want to do anything for him. He is so precious to me and I hate that there is a chance I might lose him. I hate doubting our relationship and it makes me want to cry but I really can't help it. I'm only human and I'm not perfect. If he were to see this post of mine, he would definitely get worried and ask me what was wrong. I don't mind sharing my thoughts with him and then trying to solve the problem with each other but I really wouldn't want him to get worried.
I know, many of the things that I've said in this post have become repetitive but they are my true feelings. I love you, Kevin. Please don't worry about me. Please don't leave me.